Sweet November

Recently, I have begun several posts that I never published. This post captures what has been on my mind this month.

In early November, I was…

Finding the courage of conviction

There has been so much going on lately; it has been fun, exciting, and exceptionally difficult at times. With all that has happened, I have been thinking a lot about convictions. How do I define conviction? Do I have any? Can you be convicted and not be a zealot? Why would acting on your convictions require courage?

I have come to the conclusion that, if you are truly convicted of something, courage in action is not required. In contrast, I believe that action in the midst of confusion requires courage - not knowing how you feel and finding the strength to move forward anyway; making a decision that is not necessarily on the path of least resistance.

There was a time in my life when I could not identify my convictions. Even now, I question if conviction is the appropriate term for the strong opinions I possess. The confusion from this uncertainty gives rise to fear and doubt. Overcoming these fears is difficult as I am fundamentally opposed to becoming a zealot and do not feel that I am experienced or educated to a level that would allow me to embrace a true conviction on most topics.


A little later in the month I reflected on motivation:

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. ~ Epicurus

Has anyone ever told you that there is no selfless act? One of my friends regularly says it to me and for the longest time I thought it was a seriously fatuous notion. However, I have come to realize that there may be some truth in this statement. I find that the more cognizant I am of my actions and the reasons for those actions, the more I realize that most actions, at some level, are motivated by a desired response and inasmuch are in no way selfless. I have challenged myself, and others, to name an act that is selfless and have yet to find one that lacks selfish motivation (try it!). While I have been unable to identify an act that is entirely selfless, I have recognized that there can be an extreme amount of good in even selfishly motivated acts.

In my life, the selfish motivation more times than not is found in my strong belief in setting goals; I primarily appreciate the challenge in the journey. One would think that this would have positive ramifications in most instances; however, I have recently realized that I often push too hard and fail to value goals achieved. As I have examined this, I have asked myself a number of questions: Is the momentary high immediately following reaching my goal more satisfying than the recognizing past accomplishments? Maybe. Is proving to myself and others that I am capable time and again gratifying? Likely. Is failure an unacceptable outcome? Always.

This series of questions is what brought me back to the Epicurus quote. I realized that while setting and achieving goals is important, until I recognize and appreciate successes, I am never going to find any sort of contentment. I decided that if none of my actions are going to be completely selfless, I want to optimize the positive impact, for both myself and others, from my selfish deeds.


Recently, I decided that I needed some…

New Challenges

I completed my 30 day hot yoga challenge at the end of October. It was a really great experience that not only challenged me physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I found a lot of balance in my practice and have been able to extend that into my life in many ways. I also realized that I am often the most unbalanced just before everything aligns.

It was amazing for me to experience, both physically and emotionally, the extremes associated with this challenge. There were days when I would feel emotionally and mentally drained, but my practice would be physically stronger than I could imagine. There were other days that I stepped onto my mat feeling positive and focused, only to find 15 minutes into my practice that I was frustrated, angry and physically weak. Over the course of the challenge, I left the studio in tears, angry, elated, and sometime simply numb. There were days that I was almost afraid to practice because I did not feel strong enough to deal with the emotions that may come my way.

The most powerful discovery I made was an honest relationship with myself that I had never before experienced. I allowed myself to experience weakness that I had previously denied; I let go of a lot of judgment that I had held for longer than I can remember. I forgave myself for things as small as my 2:30 chocolate habit to things I consider unspeakable.

Finding alignment…

When I first heard this during my practice, I thought it was strictly physical. As you tweak your postures to find better alignment, your balance suffers. As you continue to practice with better alignment, your balance will return to its previous level or even improve. What I found during the challenge was that this alignment also extended to the emotional and mental aspects of my practice. I lost my focus or balance, if you will, in many instances: when my friend died, when I experienced conflict, when I became overwhelmed, when I was just tired, hurt or frustrated. However, as I worked through those imbalances, I found great strength…alignment.

These new realizations in no way mean that I am completely centered, calm, and focused. In many ways, it is just the opposite. Once I embraced some of these experiences, I had to determine how to work through the emotions associated with them. This has been one of the most fulfilling, yet most challenging years of my life and it all seemed to rise to the surface as I spent more time on my mat. I am grateful for these experiences and I am grateful for the people who have been, and will continue to be, with me through this challenge.

I am starting another 30 days and am also starting to train for two races in the spring. I am uncertain where these new challenges will take me, but I am anxious for the journey.

Hot Yoga: 30 Day Challenge

This week was rough. As I previously mentioned that I lost a colleague in a horrific accident last Saturday. In addition to this, last Thursday Eric was asked to return to Iraq for a couple of weeks. Two weeks is nothing compared to what we have endured previously, but it is still difficult. Needless to say, by Sunday I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. At that point, I turned to the only thing that has helped me focus during the chaos of the last year: Hot Yoga. By Thursday, I found myself committed to the 30 Day Challenge.

The 30 Day Challenge involves completing 30 classes in 30 days. I have heard about a number of people completing the challenge, but I never really thought I would try it. Every time I even thought about it, I had a long list of excuses for why I didn't have the time. I am not sure what came over me, but I signed up and now I'm going to do my best to succeed. Tomorrow is the first day I am going to attempt two classes in a single day; I hope I survive!!

I am going to attempt to write about my experience and how I am feeling. Thus far, I am primarily feeling really tired and sore. However, I have experienced a few really emotional classes, especially in the beginning of the week. My reactions after classes have ranged anywhere from euphoric to angry since I began practicing almost a year ago. I am curious if my reactions will become more consistent with regular practice or if they will become more extreme.

I am looking forward to the journey that attempting this challenge will take me on. When Eric returns I hope to be at least 21 classes into the challenge; I am interested in what changes he sees in me as a result.

Day 4: A Season of Gratefulness

Today I am grateful for…

1. Free Will. I regularly have to remind myself that the place I occupy, is exactly where I chose. This is easy when things are going well; however, when a situation is less that optimal, it’s a little more difficult to take credit for landing myself there. The good part about even the not-so-great times is that I have the option of choosing to move past that moment. Knowing that, while I cannot control anyone else, I can control my reactions to them and my interactions with them empowers me.

2. Freshly Painted Walls. I love cleanliness and order. Nothing appears cleaner or more orderly than a freshly painted room. All of the lines are neat, there is no dust on the baseboards or cobwebs in the corners. All of the random scuffs and nail holes are absent. Each time I finish painting a room and take a moment to examine the final product, for a brief moment I can understand minimalism. I then recall how much I love to be surrounded by books and pictures and stationary; my minimalist dreams flee.

3. Redemption. Restoration to a better condition. So frequently I feel like I need to be a better version of myself and, fortunately, this is always a possibility. How lost and hopeless would humanity be if redemption ceased to exist?

4. Philosophy Strawberry Milkshake. The best body wash EVER! This is what the end of a bad day and the beginning of a better evening smells like to me. It smells so amazing and it feels just as good; if it’s been a truly horrific day, I use it in my hair as well. Sometimes, the small things make the biggest difference.

Day 3: A Season of Gratefulness

Today I am grateful for...

1. Fresh Flowers. Nothing brings a smile to my face quicker than fresh flowers on my kitchen table. Some people think they are a waste of money, but the pure joy I get out of them makes it worth it to me. Peonies and tulips are my favorite, but anything will do. I wish I made the time to garden more so that I could provide my own, but until that time I will settle for the $6.99 variety from Whole Foods.

2. Ice Cream. I love ice cream. Not as much as I love coffee, but it is a close second. I’m fairly certain that my love affair with ice cream began about 6 weeks into my life when my granddaddy decided that sharing his with me was a good idea (I think mom is still mad about this). Some of my fondest memories involve ice cream…eating it with a wooden spoon at granddaddy’s grocery store when I was little, after neighborhood softball games with my best friends, and sitting by the pool on summer afternoons, to name a few. I’ll never forget the first gelato I had in a park in Rome, the strawberry milkshake I ordered the one time Eric and I broke up, or the mint chocolate chip and vodka concoction Astyn and I made regularly in high school.

3. Advanced Communication Technology. Sometimes being constantly connected seems like such a huge burden; however, when I think of all of the positive aspects, the magnitude of the apparent burden lessens considerably. Man by nature is a social being and communication advancements promote a greater social connection. Through Skype, I am able to stay in touch with Eric when he is literally half way around the world almost as easily as I can when he is just across town. There are so many people that I may have never spoken to or seen again had it not been for Facebook. Moreover, the support network you are able to establish in difficult times that is unbelievable.

4. Puppy Kisses. Is it even necessary to explain this one? I am convinced that, as crazy as they make me, my pets are a little bit of heaven temporarily located in my living room. They sense my moods better than any person and they are always quick to comfort me. Every morning Macie is waiting at the bottom of the stairs wagging her entire body when I get up and the first thing she does is lick me anywhere she can. Bryant is a little lazier in the mornings, but eventually he makes it around to planting is cold, wet nose on my leg to say good morning. It is absolutely impossible to be around them and be in a bad mood.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough, but I am fortunate to be surrounded by people who love me. It is good to be reminded of things that make me happy; I am very blessed and intend to continue reminding myself of it on a daily basis. What are you grateful for?

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. ~Henry David Thoreau

Dear friends,

I have a very serious, yet simple, request of you tonight: respect your life and the lives of others. Today, a friend, mentor, and colleague of mine tragically had his life ended by the carelessness of an individual driving under the influence of alcohol. I cannot properly express the shock and horror I experienced upon learning of this; I cannot imagine the pain his family must be experiencing.

It is at times like this that I want to gather my loved ones, keep them comfortably within my reach, and protect them from harm. I realize that is not a possibility. I also realize that I am the individual that regularly advocates living every moment to the fullest and not allowing fear to dictate action. Tonight, although it is on very shaky legs, I stand by these convictions.

Tonight, I make you this promise: I will value my life and yours. I will be the designated driver, call you a cab, or let you crash at my house. I will be the person to tell you that you've had too much and take your keys, regardless of how angry you become. I will do everything in my power to prevent you from injuring yourself or someone else.

I choose to do all of these things because I care about you.

You are my family.

You are my friend.

You are my colleague.

You are my classmate.

I value you and I know that every person is someones family, friend, colleague, or classmate.

Day 2: A Season of Gratefulness

Today, I am grateful for…

1. Free time. I am beyond excited to have two entire days that are not scheduled this week. No conference calls, no meetings, no deadlines. I can work or sleep or organize or bake or anything else that I feel like. Just the anticipation of free time makes me feel like I can take a really deep breath for the first time in a long time…I am so excited that I’m almost giddy.
2. Good health. I’ve abused my body as much or more than most, but I’ve also always adhered to the philosophy that Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out. However, as a result of witnessing so much heartache lately because of sick babies and lost loved ones, I have become acutely aware of how fragile our bodies can be. Inasmuch, I am thankful that, despite all of the madness I’ve partaken in, I am alive and well today and I intend to take full advantage of it because I have no idea what is in store for me tomorrow.
3. Rainy Days. Rainy days, for some reason, seem to me to be more peaceful than most. It is amazing to wake up to bright sunshine most of the time, but sometimes feeling like you just don’t have to be fully awake and can snuggle back into the covers is a really good thing. Today is going to be a cloudy, rainy, stormy fall day and I couldn’t be more excited about it!
4. Sharing meals with friends. A sense of community is something we all need; there is no better way to achieve this that to share a meal with friends. Moreover, how much better does it get than good food and good company? ! I am so very blessed to have good friends that also happen to be very good cooks! However, even if it isn’t some elaborate meal, maybe just coffee or ice cream or whatever, I get an unbelievable recharge from just taking a moment, having a conversation, and enjoying something tasty.

Day 1: A Season of Gratefulness

Today is the Autumnal Equinox. Inasmuch, I decided to make this fall A Season of Gratefulness.

I thought I should set some sort of parameters for my daily lists; this is what I came up with…

• Every day from now until winter solstice, I will make a list of no fewer than 4 reasons that I should be, and hopefully am, grateful.
• No single reason can be repeated in a week.
• No complete list can ever be repeated

Are you ready? This will quite possibly be so insanely positive you won’t be able to stand it!

Today I am grateful for…

1. Cooler weather. Not only is it a nice reprieve from the gross hot summer in Nashville and the beginning of what I fondly refer to as eating season, but also because it means football, brightly colored fall leaves, and some of my favorite holidays including Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19), Halloween, and my birthday (yes, I consider it a holiday!!).


2. Coffee. It is going to be hard not to repeat this one in a week. Coffee may be my single greatest joy on the planet and is so, so, so simple! AND since it is fall again, the Pumpkin Spice Latte will make a comeback very soon.


3. Curiosity. There are days that I have zero willpower, zero respect for the academic process, zero sense of obligation, and zero direction, but I continue for no other reason than I just want to know what will happen if. Sometimes the if is nonsensical and sometimes it steers me to exactly the right spot. Whichever it is, at least curiosity keeps me going when nothing else does.


4. Compassion. Because sometimes we all just feel blah. I’ve felt that way a lot lately and if I didn’t have compassion from others, it would have been a lot worse. The two parts of compassion are sympathy and the desire to alleviate pain. The latter, in my opinion, has the greatest impact. Sympathy is easy, we can all recognize when something really sucks, but to care enough to try to lessen another’s pain is truly an act of love. I am blessed beyond anything I ever could have imagined to have compassionate friends and my hope is that I make every effort to be compassionate toward others.

Ok, so there it is…Day 1of A Season of Gratefulness. Somehow, I landed on a C theme today, not intentional but whatever, I’ll go with it for the moment.

What are you grateful for??

My Model

I have been spending the majority of my free time working on my model lately. My model, as I regularly refer to it, is a laterally averaged finite difference model that simulates the hydrothermal performance of approximately 300 miles of the Cumberland and Tennessee Rivers. FASCINATING, I know. It is not really my model at all, it was developed by USACE and is a project I am completing for another pseudo-government agency; however I've spent enough hours customizing this one that I will continue to refer to it as my model indefinitely.

While I consider myself a relatively sane person most of the time; I believe that spending so much time with my model may have secured a ticket for me on the Acela to crazy town. Please allow me to explain...

The model I am using in the published and supported format has a very nice graphical user interface (GUI - "gooey"); however, the project I am working on required modifications to the source code (FORTRAN...yay!) that were not compatible with the GUI. SO...the executable now appears as a DOS window and requires basic knowledge of command line (yay! again). As if the little black window and antiquated code weren't enough, there are no fewer than 20 input files with thousands of data points in F8 format. My worst nightmare lately is a stray comma...last week a ":" that appeared in place of a "." cost me no less than 45 minutes.

SO...why do I believe the product of gooey punctuation and the brainchildren of Backus and Paterson is causing my mental demise? I regularly find myself staring at the DOS window as it scrolled through a year in 55 second increments and attempting to will it to produce better results. I also made an argument to a coworker today as to why the only thing more useful than calculus is differential equations. If you happen to see me roaming Vanderbilt's campus with a cup of coffee in one hand, grungy t-shirt, and tattered jeans...no worries, that's just how I role lately. However, if for any reason, I seem to suddenly FORTRAN, DOS, and GUIs...seek help immediately for I have surely gone from a little nerdy to completely insane.

Change

Recently there has been a lot of change in my life. Some amazing and some a little more difficult to deal with. As I attempt to navigate what has proven to be a very complicated path, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I have dealt with change in the past and what I have learned. At times, it seems that I have not learned much at all; poor decisions and a quick temper have been catalysts both past and present and have certainly delivered the most severe blows to those I care about. However, the things that have stuck with me are just as poignant. I am quicker to offer apologies now and quicker to forgive; I tend to embrace the good much stronger and more willingly; I have realized that the more you hurt, the more you cared to begin with; and I have accepted that no matter how perfect something seems, it will change.

Eric is home and that is such a happy change. I am adjusting to sharing day-to-day life and enjoying creating a new routine with him. The dynamic of our home has changed to a more lively, happy place. Even our animals are more feisty and playful.

My niece, Lindley, arrives in October and the change that will bring is incomprehensible to me at the moment. I am excited and nervous...I'm just the aunt, I can only imagine what it must be like to be an expectant parent.

There is so much that is changing in my life right now that radiates joy and anticipation. However, it is somewhat tainted by change brought about by conflict and hurt feelings. Change that is rooted in poor decisions and quick tempers. I made mistakes; others made mistakes; as a result, there are likely friendships damaged beyond repair and trust lost indefinitely. Many questions have consumed my thoughts lately...is it possible to get past this? how will this change who I am? what is the new normal? what is the lesson in this situation? forgiveness will come, but can any of this ever be forgotten? Forgiveness will come and with it will come a happier variety of change.

Gold Star Qualities

There have been four very distinct phases of this trip since escaping the hell that was Royal Jordanian daycare. First, there was the extreme jetlag that, try as I may, kept me in bed until at least noon the first two days of my trip. Next, utter intimidation. I did not know how to dress, what to say, how to greet people, or even how to carry myself in public. This level of intimidation was overwhelming and frustrating, but was quickly followed by fascination. By being so completely intimidated, I devoted much more attention to the mannerisms of the locals. I was fascinated with the unspoken communication and what appears to be a clash of traditional and modern in every facet of daily life. Now, however, I have reached a fourth phase...extreme boredom.

While intimidation and fascination have infiltrated this phase, they just don't have what it takes to occupy the 16ish hours that I now manage to escape the comatose sleep state that seems to have become my norm lately. In preparation for a little down time and in keeping with my "read nothing that could potentially resemble educational material on vacation" rule, I purchased Chelsea Handler's Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang prior to our trip. I must say that if irreverent, sarcastic, smart, and absolutely hilarious pique your interest, then you must read this (disclaimer: there is a lot of inappropriateness, so if you are easily offended it's probably not the best choice). Honestly, I expected that between Chelsea and the GQ magazine I stole from some guy in first class on our flight I would not have to worry about further entertainment. After all, I do have half a dozen unfinished books on my nightstand right now and I believe it impossible to account for all of the others I have purchased, read 300 of the 350 pages, and then tossed aside because I was annoyed by one of the characters, became preoccupied with something else, or simply just misplaced the book. Not exactly a gold star quality of mine, but it is what it is. I did, however, finish Chelsea yesterday morning while drinking coffee on the balcony. In the process, I roasted my legs to an unpleasant well-done and served as a feast for every insect within a 5km radius.

The non-comatose time that I have spent not being cooked and served while reading Chelsea, I have dedicated to practicing the 26 postures of Bikram yoga. Why I chose to do this, I'm not really sure. I enjoy hot yoga, but I have never been inclined to do a lot of practicing of anything (just ask my mom about ballet, piano, gymnastics, clarinet, softball, tennis, soccer or any of my other endeavors as a child). On a positive note, I can now stand on one foot while holding the ball of the other foot in my interlocked hands and extending that leg straight in front of me...Dandayamana Janushirasana. I'm considering adding this on my resume under "other skills" with all of the randomness I've included in an attempt to appear well-rounded.

This extreme boredom has led to a number of other interesting activities. I've taken account of all of the people/things with which I am truly enamored. It is a short list including only coffee, chocolate, ice cream (in either of the aforementioned flavors plus strawberry and caramel), Chelsea, little people, Bobby Flay, Ben Olsen, good wine and good vodka. I am thankful that it is short, too many obsessions would require too much of my time and I already have a lot on my plate. I also made an attempt at taking account of all of the excess I would like to eliminate from my life...this list is much longer and a work in progress, so I've elected not to share it at this time.

Tomorrow we depart for Dead Sea. I am hoping that since he will be somewhat away from work, I can drag Eric down to my level of uselessness; I think it would be funny in a tying-a-string-to-a-June-bug's-leg kind of way (did anyone else do that?).

The Colors of Amman

Any direction you look in Amman, two colors are prominent: green and brown. The homes, the travertine earth, and the wild grasses all contribute to Amman's brown backdrop; shades vary from almost a creamy white to a deep chocolaty orange. The green, mostly from olive and palm tree-lined streets and gardens, is less varied but much more vibrant. In the short time I have been here, I have learned that green is very important to the people of Amman. Though they are small, each house has a meticulously-kept garden and when an Iraqi ex-patriot built a home with no garden in our neighborhood, it was considered an extreme offense.

Yesterday, we experienced another form of green in Jordan at Wild Jordan. Wild Jordan is the only location I've seen in Jordan that prohibits smoking. It is also sustainably designed, the only place that I have noticed promoting recycling, and sells local products. We had lunch at the Wild Jordan Cafe and enjoyed the views of the Old City and the Roman Ruins from the patio.

Today, we experienced a very different shade of brown in Amman. This morning we were greeted with slightly cooler temperatures and strong breezes. It seemed a pleasant reprieve from the previous days' heat until I realized that we were in the midst of a dust storm. The cloud that covered the city was thick and left a film on my skin and hair as I sat outside the neighborhood falafel stop at lunch.

While a little more of the Wild Jordan variety of green and a little less of the dust storm's shade of brown would be nice, as is apparent by the prominence of these colors in the city flag, greens and browns define Amman.

Day 1: Royal Jordanian Daycare

This trip already shows promise of being one of the biggest adventures of my life and I've spent the majority of the time in airports. We arrived at BNA yesterday at 2:30pm to depart for Chicago and then continue to Amman. The flight to Chicago was aboard a very small commuter jet and Eric and I were unable to sit next to one another. Unfortunately for me, the lumberjack looking fellow that I sat next to was large and didn't seem to care that he took up not only his seat, but also the majority of mine. Upon arrival in Chicago, we switched terminals, discovered Eric's reservation had been lost, were sniffed by drug dogs, hyperventilated for a moment (ok, just me), ate ice cream, and boarded Royal Jordanian daycare (also known as our 12 hour flight). I have never seen so many children on a single flight, nor do I ever care to again!

It took over two hours for people to find their seats, realize they 1.) didn't like their seats, 2.) didn't consider that they would want their child seated with them, or 3.) didn't want to be in the middle of a row of 4 children whose parents were somehow seated at the other end of the plane, and find new seats. We were among the fortunate...there were no children behind us kicking our seats. We did, however, have a child who I am convinced knew only how to shriek at the top of his lungs and destroy anything he could get his hands on. The airline magazine was shredded in a matter of minutes; he somehow pulled out one of the life jackets from the seat bottom; he threw his utensils from every meal at least 2 rows in either direction; and at one point he climbed under his seat and curled up at our feet.

We finally arrived in Jordan. After a relatively quick trip through the visa line and a slightly longer trip to baggage claim our driver, Esam, met us and we were on our way to Eric's villa. It is Friday, which is the holy day here, so no one cooks tonight. There were picnic dinners being enjoyed all along the roadside and vendors were selling fresh fruits and veggies. Once we were settled, we walked about 1km and enjoyed some coffee, Chinese food, and ice cream. I was exhausted by the time we finished, but I could have people watched for hours more. This is so different from anywhere I have ever been.

Compassion International

I have so much more than I need.

In recent weeks that message has come to me over and over again in so many subtle, and some not-so-subtle, ways. I knew that there was something I was supposed to do, but I could not pinpoint what that was. The conviction that there was something was so forceful that I manically purged belongings for charity and made Lenten commitments to service. Regardless of the actions I took, it did not feel right. Until...

I stumbled upon this blog through a series of links in other blogs. I read the first entry. I cried. I closed the link. I refused to return for days.

My husband works in the international humanitarian community in disaster respose. We have seen extreme poverty and suffering. We have lived in separate countries continuously for almost a year and spent much time before that separated for months at a time. At some point, I became desensitized to the plight of many in this world. Not because I no longer cared, but because the worry and the hurt became overwhelming at times. I felt that we were giving enough. We committed our entire marriage, the comfort of being together, and the stability of being a "normal" family to the aide of others. I convinced myself that "there will always be poor people" and continued with my overindulgent life.

Days later, I returned to this blog. Not so much willingly, but more so because I felt I had no other choice. Like a spoiled child, I basically whined "I don't want to." But I did. I am glad I did.

I would like to say I decided, but that really isn't the appropriate word, it had been decided long before I threw my childish tantrum. I finally realized that I was going to sponsor a child. Ledama Kipkuro broke my heart with his precious face and his mischievous eyes. This is what I had been directed to do with the message I had received. This is why I had it placed on my heart that I have so much more than I need.

Compassion International is a vehicle for sponsoring children all over this world. You can skip one meal out per month and give a child hope for the future. Consider it...consider how much you have and how little it takes to change a life.

Army Ten Miler

I recently reviewed my previous posts and became aware that I failed to write about the Army 10 Miler (ATM). Eric leaving early last year brought about an inclination that I needed to tackle a number of projects; training for the ATM was one of the more ambitious ones I undertook to pass the time until his return. At that time we anticipated he would be stateside again in October which would have been excellent timing for him to travel to DC with me for the race.

The race was an incredible experience and I fully intend to do it every year if I am afforded the opportunity. It was also an overwhelmingly emotional experience from the moment I awoke (at 4:30!) until the instance I crossed the finish line. I have run races for charities previously and always experience the exhilaration of making a positive contribution. This was different. This race was serious and had a reverence about it. Assuredly, this sentiment was not all-encompassing; but for me, alone and facing an unfamiliar challenge, my senses were heightened and my emotions acute. Particularly poignant were the disabled veterans participating and the parent's running for their child...often, a fallen soldier.

As expected it was a physically challenging experience. Unexpectedly, the mental and emotional tasks far exceeded the physical. As I ran past DC landmarks, it was more than just appreciating the beauty of my surroundings or the magnitude of the event, it was about the recent years of my life with Eric. I recalled the first weekend Eric and I were in DC and how we were so lost when we crossed the 14th Street Bridge the first time. I thought about how devastated I was sitting on that park bench in Freedom Plaza when Eric told me he was going to Africa the first time. Holidays, anniversaries, happy hours, concerts, festivals, friends...I was flooded with so many memories and emotions.

Eric left almost 7 months earlier and I had emphatically informed all who inquired how "fine!" I was in his absence. Truthfully, I missed my best friend and the love of my life terribly. Encumbrances I contrived and obligations I created served as distractions, but they did not satiate the need for Eric's company. Possibly for the first time in 7 months, as I ran with 30,000+ people, I experienced a moment of solitude and the realization struck that"fine" was hardly accurate. I knew I was stronger, more independent, and undoubtedly a little grumpier, but I most certainly was not fine.

The relief that accompanied the realization that I was not fine was surpassed only by my gratitude for the journey that had led me to that moment.

I am looking forward to my next big race. I thought I would have completed a half marathon by now, but I have not made the time. Recalling how fabulous I felt that day; how good it felt to challenge myself is motivation to sign up for something soon...the Country Music Marathon, perhaps.

Sleeping Fish

I read an article recently about the sleeping habits of fish. Most fish, you see, don't really sleep; they shut down half of their brain and enter a trance state of sort. Lately, I have felt very much like a sleeping fish.

I generally think of myself as a relatively fearless individual. I would not say that I am bold in my fearlessness, but I typically find a way to step outside my comfort zone in confrontation of situations. I must admit, though, lately I have found myself running more frequently. I am over committed; work, school, and civic responsibilities have overwhelmed me in a way that I am uncertain I have previously experienced. As a result, I have partially shut down. I have not been totally present in anything I am doing. If I am entirely intellectually engaged, my whole heart may not be in it; likewise, I have been too mentally exhausted to function fully in situations in which I am completely emotionally invested.

As I considered my predicament of late, another Emerson quote came to mind: Write it on your heart that every day is the best day. If I truly aspired to make everyday the best day, I do not think it possible to be merely partially invested, mentally or emotionally. Even if it were possible, how wasteful is it to ever pass up the opportunity to be fully present, to be boldly fearless...to just be bold.

I will be running again soon, in a much healthier way. I have a solid 300 miles to log in training before the Country Music Half Marathon in April. My first challenge in pursuit of the best day may be finding something positive about 5am runs in 30 degree darkness.

*I "borrowed" this photo from another blog, but I can't remember which one.

Snow Days!

I was recently snowed in for three days. THREE DAYS!!! That is a long time alone when you are not great at entertaining yourself. Despite every fiber of my being screaming "I need to get out of here," I actually enjoyed myself. Looking back, I could have left my house at any point; I have probably driven in more snow and ice than most people in Nashville. I think I was in need of a good excuse to stay home and do all of the things that I say I never have time to do. Unfortunately, this also led to the creation of new projects that I have since been claiming I don't have time to finish.

I spent most of the first day I was home working, both on my real job and school work. I also spent quite a bit of time reading Katie's blog, which you can find here. Her journey is amazing and inspiring and sincerely made me desire to be a better person. I chose the word desire carefully. It is a strong word, but it is true, this young woman's story made me long to do more with my life. I am still uncertain what that more is, but I spend time every day now contemplating what the bigger plan for my life could be. I am excited just thinking about the possibilities, but I also know that I can not stand idle waiting for that plan to be revealed. I have been trying very hard to do the most I can with everyday I am given.

Another realization that came about as a result of Katie's blog was that I have everything I need; actually, I have so much more than I need. I am often guilty of confusing need and want. I don't know how many times I have been convinced that I needed a new pair of Joe's Jeans or the latest Max Azria dress. I laughed as I typed that. How absurd is it that I would think I needed those things? I am very certain that no one has ever suffered any physical harm from not having designer jeans!

In the spirit of my realization regarding the abundance we have been blessed with, I spent my final two days snowed in cleaning out all of the closets and cabinets in my house. I wish I had taken a picture. I had an entire guest room full and spilling into the hallway with bags and boxes; I had more boxes in the kitchen, and even more in the garage. It took me an entire week to work up the energy to load my SUV and deliver everything to the local Goodwill. The expression on the face of the guy who helped me unload my overly packed car was priceless; it was extremely obvious that he felt he had drawn the short straw!!

It felt really good purging some of our belongings, especially since they went to a good cause. I have decided that I am going to try to be much more conscious of what we bring into our home. The clutter sometimes feels like it could very easily overtake you. I don't want to be defined by the things I own; I want to be defined by the person I am and by the kindness I show to others. It is easy to feel as though you are hiding behind your possessions. I know that on more than one occasion I have been guilty of feeling insecure about a situation and allowing myself to be reassured not by the fact that I am kind or intelligent, but by the fact that I was wearing something really nice. That actually turns my stomach to think about.

Lent is quickly approaching. As I consider the sacrifices I will be making for the Lenten season, the materialism that often consumes me is weighing heavily on my heart.

This post actually ended up being a lot more serious than I intended. However, I think that it is an honest reflection of how I spent my snow days. I was forced to slow down and given the opportunity to contemplate as opposed to just acting. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I desperately needed that time.

We (the zoo crew and I) did take some time to enjoy the snow. I'll close with a few pictures of our snowy fun.

It's one of the blessings of good friends, you can afford to be stupid with them.

The title of this post is a slightly modified quote from one of my favorite authors, Ralph Waldo Emerson. I substituted good friends for old friends; partly because I personally never want to be referred to as old, regardless of the reason, and partly because some of my best friends I have known for only a short time.

It has been quite a while since I've written anything. There are many reasons, but primarily because I've been far to busy living my life lately to take time to write about it. While there are many things that I would like to share, I am going to begin by dedicating this post to some of the amazing friends I am fortunate enough to have in my life. There is absolutely no way that I could include all of the people that impact my life each day, but I want to provide a sampling of those who are very near and dear to me.

I would be remiss if I did not first mention my very best friend in this world, the one who not only affords me the opportunity to act absolutely ridiculous but also encourages and even participates in my silliness most of the time.

In addition to my wonderful husband, if I am going to dedicate a post to my friends I must mention my cohort in creating the unique brand of chaos that defines me today. My amazing sister...The reason this blog began was to not only to document my experiences for the seven months we anticipated Eric living abroad, but also to occupy my time. However, the incredible people surrounding me ascertained that I very rarely had an enormous amount of time on my hands and inasmuch, the blog was updated much less frequently than I intended. Nine months later, Eric is still abroad, I am still running (a half marathon in April), and my friends continue to be my unwavering foundation.

My best friend from high school, Astyn, is the one person that I know who has never been shocked by anything that I have told her. Her faith in me and lack of judgement has been one of the greatest reassurances in my life for a very long time. Her unique approach to life, her talent, and her energy make her one of the most beautiful people I know. We often go for months without seeing one another, but it never really matters...we always pick up exactly where we left off. She will kill me for posting this photo, but it always makes me smile. We often have a few glasses of wine and end up looking at old photos until the very early hours of the morning. Her fiance, Brandon, and Eric are always very good sports about our randomness.
Nancy is quite possibly the calmest, most rational person I know. Even when she is completely freaking out about something, she says in an extremely calm and quiet voice, "Heather, I'm really concerned." She is also one of the few people I know that can immediately sense if something is just not right...I think she sometimes realizes things about me before I even realize them. She is extremely intelligent, caring, and frequently serves as my personal Emily Post. Those mentioned above have been key players in my life for a long time. From this point forward, I am going to focus on a few individuals who have more recently become a big part of my life.

First, there is Jeanne. She is one of the most unique individuals in my life. She can elicit more extreme reactions from me than most anyone I know. This is possibly because everything she does is done with passion. For a long time she had bumper stickers that read "I don't just hug trees, I kiss them too" and "I'm a democrat and I own a gun." We don't always agree, but I am certain that having her in my life has made me a better person. This year, I had the opportunity to spend Jeanne's birthday with her at a beach bonfire...it was phenomenal. I only wish that I were able to see her more frequently.
Since this post is very quickly becoming extremely long. I am going to wrap this up with a group of girlfriends that have come to mean so much to me in the last couple of years. It is interesting because, although several of us were friends when I lived in DC, I feel like our relationships have grown so much in the last year. They are the group that makes me feel like being girly and silly is the most fabulous thing in the world. I have flown to DC specifically to watch Sex and the City as well as Mama Mia with them, coordinated outfits for an evening out so that the pictures would be the best possible, and danced and sung at the top of my lungs in the middle of the bar with them. They understand that bad hair can be an emergency and that guys can simultaneously be the best and worst thing in our life. Good food and gorgeous cocktails are never lost on them and recognize that it is completely understandable to take 400 pictures in one evening. Only one word can really define Kristi, Littany, Libby, and Julia...fabulous.

Creating this post reaffirmed something that I have always know...I am so blessed. To have such an eclectic, beautiful, amazing group of friends is something that one can dream of, but fortunately for me, it is my reality. I am going to strive to be more thankful each and every day for the people that touch my life and I challenge anyone who may read this to do the same.