Army Ten Miler

I recently reviewed my previous posts and became aware that I failed to write about the Army 10 Miler (ATM). Eric leaving early last year brought about an inclination that I needed to tackle a number of projects; training for the ATM was one of the more ambitious ones I undertook to pass the time until his return. At that time we anticipated he would be stateside again in October which would have been excellent timing for him to travel to DC with me for the race.

The race was an incredible experience and I fully intend to do it every year if I am afforded the opportunity. It was also an overwhelmingly emotional experience from the moment I awoke (at 4:30!) until the instance I crossed the finish line. I have run races for charities previously and always experience the exhilaration of making a positive contribution. This was different. This race was serious and had a reverence about it. Assuredly, this sentiment was not all-encompassing; but for me, alone and facing an unfamiliar challenge, my senses were heightened and my emotions acute. Particularly poignant were the disabled veterans participating and the parent's running for their child...often, a fallen soldier.

As expected it was a physically challenging experience. Unexpectedly, the mental and emotional tasks far exceeded the physical. As I ran past DC landmarks, it was more than just appreciating the beauty of my surroundings or the magnitude of the event, it was about the recent years of my life with Eric. I recalled the first weekend Eric and I were in DC and how we were so lost when we crossed the 14th Street Bridge the first time. I thought about how devastated I was sitting on that park bench in Freedom Plaza when Eric told me he was going to Africa the first time. Holidays, anniversaries, happy hours, concerts, festivals, friends...I was flooded with so many memories and emotions.

Eric left almost 7 months earlier and I had emphatically informed all who inquired how "fine!" I was in his absence. Truthfully, I missed my best friend and the love of my life terribly. Encumbrances I contrived and obligations I created served as distractions, but they did not satiate the need for Eric's company. Possibly for the first time in 7 months, as I ran with 30,000+ people, I experienced a moment of solitude and the realization struck that"fine" was hardly accurate. I knew I was stronger, more independent, and undoubtedly a little grumpier, but I most certainly was not fine.

The relief that accompanied the realization that I was not fine was surpassed only by my gratitude for the journey that had led me to that moment.

I am looking forward to my next big race. I thought I would have completed a half marathon by now, but I have not made the time. Recalling how fabulous I felt that day; how good it felt to challenge myself is motivation to sign up for something soon...the Country Music Marathon, perhaps.

Sleeping Fish

I read an article recently about the sleeping habits of fish. Most fish, you see, don't really sleep; they shut down half of their brain and enter a trance state of sort. Lately, I have felt very much like a sleeping fish.

I generally think of myself as a relatively fearless individual. I would not say that I am bold in my fearlessness, but I typically find a way to step outside my comfort zone in confrontation of situations. I must admit, though, lately I have found myself running more frequently. I am over committed; work, school, and civic responsibilities have overwhelmed me in a way that I am uncertain I have previously experienced. As a result, I have partially shut down. I have not been totally present in anything I am doing. If I am entirely intellectually engaged, my whole heart may not be in it; likewise, I have been too mentally exhausted to function fully in situations in which I am completely emotionally invested.

As I considered my predicament of late, another Emerson quote came to mind: Write it on your heart that every day is the best day. If I truly aspired to make everyday the best day, I do not think it possible to be merely partially invested, mentally or emotionally. Even if it were possible, how wasteful is it to ever pass up the opportunity to be fully present, to be boldly fearless...to just be bold.

I will be running again soon, in a much healthier way. I have a solid 300 miles to log in training before the Country Music Half Marathon in April. My first challenge in pursuit of the best day may be finding something positive about 5am runs in 30 degree darkness.

*I "borrowed" this photo from another blog, but I can't remember which one.

Snow Days!

I was recently snowed in for three days. THREE DAYS!!! That is a long time alone when you are not great at entertaining yourself. Despite every fiber of my being screaming "I need to get out of here," I actually enjoyed myself. Looking back, I could have left my house at any point; I have probably driven in more snow and ice than most people in Nashville. I think I was in need of a good excuse to stay home and do all of the things that I say I never have time to do. Unfortunately, this also led to the creation of new projects that I have since been claiming I don't have time to finish.

I spent most of the first day I was home working, both on my real job and school work. I also spent quite a bit of time reading Katie's blog, which you can find here. Her journey is amazing and inspiring and sincerely made me desire to be a better person. I chose the word desire carefully. It is a strong word, but it is true, this young woman's story made me long to do more with my life. I am still uncertain what that more is, but I spend time every day now contemplating what the bigger plan for my life could be. I am excited just thinking about the possibilities, but I also know that I can not stand idle waiting for that plan to be revealed. I have been trying very hard to do the most I can with everyday I am given.

Another realization that came about as a result of Katie's blog was that I have everything I need; actually, I have so much more than I need. I am often guilty of confusing need and want. I don't know how many times I have been convinced that I needed a new pair of Joe's Jeans or the latest Max Azria dress. I laughed as I typed that. How absurd is it that I would think I needed those things? I am very certain that no one has ever suffered any physical harm from not having designer jeans!

In the spirit of my realization regarding the abundance we have been blessed with, I spent my final two days snowed in cleaning out all of the closets and cabinets in my house. I wish I had taken a picture. I had an entire guest room full and spilling into the hallway with bags and boxes; I had more boxes in the kitchen, and even more in the garage. It took me an entire week to work up the energy to load my SUV and deliver everything to the local Goodwill. The expression on the face of the guy who helped me unload my overly packed car was priceless; it was extremely obvious that he felt he had drawn the short straw!!

It felt really good purging some of our belongings, especially since they went to a good cause. I have decided that I am going to try to be much more conscious of what we bring into our home. The clutter sometimes feels like it could very easily overtake you. I don't want to be defined by the things I own; I want to be defined by the person I am and by the kindness I show to others. It is easy to feel as though you are hiding behind your possessions. I know that on more than one occasion I have been guilty of feeling insecure about a situation and allowing myself to be reassured not by the fact that I am kind or intelligent, but by the fact that I was wearing something really nice. That actually turns my stomach to think about.

Lent is quickly approaching. As I consider the sacrifices I will be making for the Lenten season, the materialism that often consumes me is weighing heavily on my heart.

This post actually ended up being a lot more serious than I intended. However, I think that it is an honest reflection of how I spent my snow days. I was forced to slow down and given the opportunity to contemplate as opposed to just acting. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I desperately needed that time.

We (the zoo crew and I) did take some time to enjoy the snow. I'll close with a few pictures of our snowy fun.