Recently, I have begun several posts that I never published. This post captures what has been on my mind this month.
In early November, I was…
Finding the courage of conviction
There has been so much going on lately; it has been fun, exciting, and exceptionally difficult at times. With all that has happened, I have been thinking a lot about convictions. How do I define conviction? Do I have any? Can you be convicted and not be a zealot? Why would acting on your convictions require courage?
I have come to the conclusion that, if you are truly convicted of something, courage in action is not required. In contrast, I believe that action in the midst of confusion requires courage - not knowing how you feel and finding the strength to move forward anyway; making a decision that is not necessarily on the path of least resistance.
There was a time in my life when I could not identify my convictions. Even now, I question if conviction is the appropriate term for the strong opinions I possess. The confusion from this uncertainty gives rise to fear and doubt. Overcoming these fears is difficult as I am fundamentally opposed to becoming a zealot and do not feel that I am experienced or educated to a level that would allow me to embrace a true conviction on most topics.
A little later in the month I reflected on motivation:
Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. ~ Epicurus
Has anyone ever told you that there is no selfless act? One of my friends regularly says it to me and for the longest time I thought it was a seriously fatuous notion. However, I have come to realize that there may be some truth in this statement. I find that the more cognizant I am of my actions and the reasons for those actions, the more I realize that most actions, at some level, are motivated by a desired response and inasmuch are in no way selfless. I have challenged myself, and others, to name an act that is selfless and have yet to find one that lacks selfish motivation (try it!). While I have been unable to identify an act that is entirely selfless, I have recognized that there can be an extreme amount of good in even selfishly motivated acts.
In my life, the selfish motivation more times than not is found in my strong belief in setting goals; I primarily appreciate the challenge in the journey. One would think that this would have positive ramifications in most instances; however, I have recently realized that I often push too hard and fail to value goals achieved. As I have examined this, I have asked myself a number of questions: Is the momentary high immediately following reaching my goal more satisfying than the recognizing past accomplishments? Maybe. Is proving to myself and others that I am capable time and again gratifying? Likely. Is failure an unacceptable outcome? Always.
This series of questions is what brought me back to the Epicurus quote. I realized that while setting and achieving goals is important, until I recognize and appreciate successes, I am never going to find any sort of contentment. I decided that if none of my actions are going to be completely selfless, I want to optimize the positive impact, for both myself and others, from my selfish deeds.
Recently, I decided that I needed some…
New Challenges
I completed my 30 day hot yoga challenge at the end of October. It was a really great experience that not only challenged me physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I found a lot of balance in my practice and have been able to extend that into my life in many ways. I also realized that I am often the most unbalanced just before everything aligns.
It was amazing for me to experience, both physically and emotionally, the extremes associated with this challenge. There were days when I would feel emotionally and mentally drained, but my practice would be physically stronger than I could imagine. There were other days that I stepped onto my mat feeling positive and focused, only to find 15 minutes into my practice that I was frustrated, angry and physically weak. Over the course of the challenge, I left the studio in tears, angry, elated, and sometime simply numb. There were days that I was almost afraid to practice because I did not feel strong enough to deal with the emotions that may come my way.
In early November, I was…
Finding the courage of conviction
There has been so much going on lately; it has been fun, exciting, and exceptionally difficult at times. With all that has happened, I have been thinking a lot about convictions. How do I define conviction? Do I have any? Can you be convicted and not be a zealot? Why would acting on your convictions require courage?
I have come to the conclusion that, if you are truly convicted of something, courage in action is not required. In contrast, I believe that action in the midst of confusion requires courage - not knowing how you feel and finding the strength to move forward anyway; making a decision that is not necessarily on the path of least resistance.
There was a time in my life when I could not identify my convictions. Even now, I question if conviction is the appropriate term for the strong opinions I possess. The confusion from this uncertainty gives rise to fear and doubt. Overcoming these fears is difficult as I am fundamentally opposed to becoming a zealot and do not feel that I am experienced or educated to a level that would allow me to embrace a true conviction on most topics.
A little later in the month I reflected on motivation:
Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. ~ Epicurus
Has anyone ever told you that there is no selfless act? One of my friends regularly says it to me and for the longest time I thought it was a seriously fatuous notion. However, I have come to realize that there may be some truth in this statement. I find that the more cognizant I am of my actions and the reasons for those actions, the more I realize that most actions, at some level, are motivated by a desired response and inasmuch are in no way selfless. I have challenged myself, and others, to name an act that is selfless and have yet to find one that lacks selfish motivation (try it!). While I have been unable to identify an act that is entirely selfless, I have recognized that there can be an extreme amount of good in even selfishly motivated acts.
In my life, the selfish motivation more times than not is found in my strong belief in setting goals; I primarily appreciate the challenge in the journey. One would think that this would have positive ramifications in most instances; however, I have recently realized that I often push too hard and fail to value goals achieved. As I have examined this, I have asked myself a number of questions: Is the momentary high immediately following reaching my goal more satisfying than the recognizing past accomplishments? Maybe. Is proving to myself and others that I am capable time and again gratifying? Likely. Is failure an unacceptable outcome? Always.
This series of questions is what brought me back to the Epicurus quote. I realized that while setting and achieving goals is important, until I recognize and appreciate successes, I am never going to find any sort of contentment. I decided that if none of my actions are going to be completely selfless, I want to optimize the positive impact, for both myself and others, from my selfish deeds.
Recently, I decided that I needed some…
New Challenges
I completed my 30 day hot yoga challenge at the end of October. It was a really great experience that not only challenged me physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I found a lot of balance in my practice and have been able to extend that into my life in many ways. I also realized that I am often the most unbalanced just before everything aligns.
It was amazing for me to experience, both physically and emotionally, the extremes associated with this challenge. There were days when I would feel emotionally and mentally drained, but my practice would be physically stronger than I could imagine. There were other days that I stepped onto my mat feeling positive and focused, only to find 15 minutes into my practice that I was frustrated, angry and physically weak. Over the course of the challenge, I left the studio in tears, angry, elated, and sometime simply numb. There were days that I was almost afraid to practice because I did not feel strong enough to deal with the emotions that may come my way.
The most powerful discovery I made was an honest relationship with myself that I had never before experienced. I allowed myself to experience weakness that I had previously denied; I let go of a lot of judgment that I had held for longer than I can remember. I forgave myself for things as small as my 2:30 chocolate habit to things I consider unspeakable.
Finding alignment…
When I first heard this during my practice, I thought it was strictly physical. As you tweak your postures to find better alignment, your balance suffers. As you continue to practice with better alignment, your balance will return to its previous level or even improve. What I found during the challenge was that this alignment also extended to the emotional and mental aspects of my practice. I lost my focus or balance, if you will, in many instances: when my friend died, when I experienced conflict, when I became overwhelmed, when I was just tired, hurt or frustrated. However, as I worked through those imbalances, I found great strength…alignment.
These new realizations in no way mean that I am completely centered, calm, and focused. In many ways, it is just the opposite. Once I embraced some of these experiences, I had to determine how to work through the emotions associated with them. This has been one of the most fulfilling, yet most challenging years of my life and it all seemed to rise to the surface as I spent more time on my mat. I am grateful for these experiences and I am grateful for the people who have been, and will continue to be, with me through this challenge.
I am starting another 30 days and am also starting to train for two races in the spring. I am uncertain where these new challenges will take me, but I am anxious for the journey.
