Friday, June 17, 2011

Life is partly what we make it and partly what it is made by the friends we choose. ~Tennessee Williams

"We're having a baby AND we're getting MARRIED!!!!"

A recent email exchange with some of my favorite ladies...



L:Just wanted to let you ladies know...it was a very happy easter here in Atlanta ...the Easter Bunny brought me carats instead of carrots :) :) :) HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!! YAYAYAYAY!!!

K: AHHHHHH!!!! YES YES YES :-) Can you please send a picture??? Also, when can we get together IN PERSON to discuss more? Tomorrow night? SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!


L: Thanks guys :) I was so excited to tell you all!!! I will be back tomorrow night. We should set up something for later in the week!! I will send you a pic of the ring as soon as we get some downloaded!

K: I am free any night this week! We can go out, (or) I am happy to host at my place, (or) we can come to your place. Yay! Thanks for sending us a special message to let us know :-)

L: WE HAVE TO GO SEE THE "BRIDESMAIDS" MOVIE TOGETHER!! Maybe friday?! Then din? Let me see what the week brings... We are in Atlanta til tomorrow night then back in DC on Wednesday morning.

J: Hahaha, yes we do!! Bad news: the bridesmaid movie doesn't come out until may 13th...But we all do need to get together..Friday would work great. Champagne must be involved!

H: Ahhhhh...can we see the Bridesmaid move on May 21? So jealous I can't be with you this week!! Everyone should have at least one extra glass of Champagne for me...who am I kidding, everyone should have at least one extra bottle of champagne for me!!!

J: ....We're having a baby AND we're getting MARRIED!!!! Haha, so exciting!!

K: This is a big year for US :-D I'm convinced Nashville is a magical place- that makes dreams come true!

L: HAHAHA I LOVE IT! WE ARE GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING A BABY HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.




Just wanted to share because every time I think of this conversation it makes me smile!!!!!








Wednesday, June 15, 2011

21 Weeks

I realize my last post was more recent than 21 weeks ago; however, I feel the need to revisit the last 21 weeks (or at least 19) to completely relay what we’ve been up to!

On 29 January 2011 we celebrated Eric’s 37th birthday with a very spirited fiesta. There was a taco bar, margarita bar, and ice cream sundae bar. Not to mention an incredible cake and sparklers. A great time was had by all; so much so that we now affectionately refer to Eric’s birthday celebration as “THE day.”


In February, still unaware of the impact of “THE day” I went on a wonderful trip with my friend Clare to NYC. We had a blast, but I could not figure out why I was so exhausted!


We returned from NYC 19 February and on 24 February:




Eric was in DC…I sent him a text message. Evidently, I’m not the best at sharing big news.




5 March we told our families. They were thrilled. (That was week 6 if you are counting)


12 March we went on the General Jackson dinner cruise with my parents. I fell asleep despite the blaring music.


18 March the baby attended his first DC United soccer match and I told the DC girls that we are having a baby. 3 April we were able to see our little on for the first time. Hillary termed it the Gummy Bear picture.



18 April (13 weeks) we saw the little on again. This was an unscheduled ultrasound and Eric was in DC, but I found out that day that we are having a little BOY! 21 April was another United match and some time with Eric in DC. Little man already has a jersey ready for next season!!

Mother’s Day weekend, May 5, was spent at the Kentucky Derby (I forgot my hat!). I occupied a lawn chair in the Infield the entire day, but the people-watching was nice!

The next weekend (16 weeks) we celebrated Andrew’s graduation, Barrett moved, and Eric and dad began working on the nursery. The month of May also included visiting preschools which is possibly one of the most overwhelming tasks to date!!!

21 May we headed back to DC. The weekend included a trip to Annapolis to by the little guy a model sailboat, brunch with some of my favorite ladies, and DC United soccer.

Memorial Day weekend brought more work on the nursery, which has expanded to re-carpeting three bedrooms, re-plumbing the HVAC, new electrical work, some minor carpentry, and a new coat of paint on several rooms. It also entailed a major shopping trip with my mom and Hillary for maternity and baby clothes.


7 June Eric and I celebrated 8 years of marriage. It was also my 20 week appointment and the “BIG” ultrasound. Even though we had been told we are having a boy, it was still a big day for looking at all of his measurements and making sure he is healthy.

10 June we headed to the beach with mom and dad. It was a fabulous, relaxing trip, but we did make time for a little baby shopping!!

October 27 is quickly approaching and we are beyond excited to meet our little guy. It has been a very interesting few months!! I have realized that there is nothing that is unaffected by pregnancy…my nose is stuffy for no apparent reason, sometimes I don’t hear well, I’m sobbing one minute and laughing hysterically the next, and sleeping through the night is impossible. Eric has been the most amazing husband anyone could ask for…he hasn’t even gotten annoyed with my constant adjusting of the thermostat!!

I am positive that our life with a child, much like our lives to date, will be anything but conventional; I am also positive that it will be an amazing journey.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Find Peace in Your Practice

I have not really felt inspired lately to write for the masses (or the 5 of you who read this!); however, I do want to share an email I received this week from Zen Yoga Bali. The director of Zen Yoga Bali and author of the email, Cassie, is the former director of the studio where I practice and I think it is a great piece. We are in the process of educating ourselves about ayurveda in our home in an effort to become healthier and more centered; I will keep you posted on how it goes!


Cheers!
H.


What is it that drives countless urban practitioners’ to work so hard in their yoga practice? Even as droves of people turn to yoga for health and healing, American students are often attracted to extremely physical, athletic styles of yoga, forcing their bodies into their imagined idea of a “yoga Olympian” and wrestling themselves into a wet, sweating heap. It’s as if the person’s mind gets into a Greco-Roman wrestling match with its own body. So, even as we reach for peace, many attempt to use the same aggressive tools we’ve learned in the business and sports world:
*Endure
*Force
*Intimidate
*Dominate
*“Win”


Since these methods are taught in business and sports, it is understandable that many people try and use the same mindset in their yoga practice—but is it working? Our bodies are changing but are we any happier?


THE DILEMMA
What the philosophy of yoga suggests is that a constant state of pushing, grasping, and goal setting is not only counterproductive in yoga, but ultimately damaging to our very spirit. Using these aggressive tools for every aspect of our life is like using a hammer on every job including brushing our teeth. Even when our body tries to tell us we’ve pushed it too far, we justify our frequent colds, flues, and headaches as acceptable side affects of our sacrifice for our career. The unspoken Faustian deal we make with ourselves, is that by sacrificing health, sleep, and happiness today, we believe we gain something much more significant tomorrow; power, respect, money, and position. We convince ourselves that once we achieve these goals, then we can take that long overdue vacation, then we can sleep, then w e can slow down and spend more time with our family, then we can be happy. The problem is that our children don’t wait for us; they continue to grow up while we work late day after day. Our health deteriorates often manifesting itself in strange symptoms such as digestive problems, severe PMS, or skin rashes that we try and make “go away” with medications. And the danger that we all secretly fear is that by the time we get to the top of the ladder, our children will be grown and barely know us, our neglected partners will no longer be interested in us, our health will be ruined, and most terrifyingly, that our ladder may be leaning on the wrong wall.

Because of this syndrome, many of us are locked-up and holding tension in our bodies and nervous systems on the level of combat veterans. This is why we grind our jaws in the night. This is why we awaken at three in the morning unable to fall back to sleep. Is working hard bad? On the contrary, the yoga sages tell us that hard work is a virtue, as long as it is part of our transformation and not the avoidance of it.

LEARNING BALANCE
There’s a wonderful metaphor from the yoga tradition that vividly depicts the plight of the average person and points the way to a more meaningful life. It’s the carriage allegory. The carriage represents the body, the horses pulling the carriage represent the emotions, the driver is the mind, and the passenger is the soul (Atman). The story goes that the state of the average person is as follows; the carriage is in terrible disrepair, the horses are half-wild, the driver is unfocused and drunk, and the passenger is asleep. The passenger, a king or queen, is asleep, dreaming he/she is a peasant. Yoga, it is said, repairs the carriage (body), tames the horses (emotions), sobers and focuses the driver (mind), and ultimately - reawakens the passenger (soul). The soul then remembers his or her true purpose and instructs the driver on which route to take to their ultimate destination.

This is the purpose of yoga, anything less is simply exercise.

So, then why would we take this obsessive drive into a yoga class and hope to obtain new results utilizing the same old dysfunctional system? The answer is we can’t. We cannot use the same methods that make us tense and anxious, in order to learn to relax and become non-obsessive. And that is the dilemma.

THE SOLUTION
Solving the dilemma is a process of reprioritizing our goals. If we acknowledge that what we want foremost is to be fulfilled and happy, we must be willing to transform more than mere muscle tissue. Yoga appears to be primarily physical, but what makes it radically different from western “workouts,” is that yoga is the harmonizing of:



The MIND

Intention; mental focus, self-inquiry. Learning to discriminate between pure awareness and the objects of awareness.



The SPIRIT

Breathing and emotional focus. Involving concentration of feeling, and relationship with one’s higher Self, or surrender to God, in whatever form you understand it.



The BODY

Involving a physical regime including movement or postures that infuse our life force and intention throughout our entire being.
Transformation comes when we make the effort simultaneously in all three pillars: body, mind, and breath (or spirit). As all three harmonize, we begin to experience ourselves more deeply, and we also happen to become stronger, more flexible, and calm. We even sleep peacefully through the night.



THE 3 PILLARS OF YOGA

Here is a guideline of how to begin achieving a more meaningful practice and peaceful life:

Intention
The first thing to do is close your eyes and focus on your intention. In other words, aim at something. Dedicate your practice to a meaningful transition you wish to have in your life. An example here might be Peace, Forgiveness, or Patience. There is an old saying that if you aim at nothing you’re sure to hit it. But when you direct your mind and heart in one direction, it gives your actions great power.

Your spirituality, however you define it, can be infused into your body so your body radiates who you are from your soul – and what you stand for in this world.

Breath
Face it, one reason we are afraid to breathe deeply is because we know deep down that breath is connected to our emotions. If we are feeling stressed out and not paying much attention to our feelings, breathing deeply may be terrifying. So, we keep our breath small and shallow and erratic, no matter how many times our yoga teacher says, “Breathe deeply.” This can create two kinds of catastrophes. One is disease; unexpressed grief over decades can create diseases like cancer. Two, we can destroy our relationships; we tend to hurt the people we love the most because we are carrying our own emotional wounds that are invisible to the untrained eye.

Imagine trying to embrace someone who has open wounds under his clothes that you aren’t aware of. His reaction would be like a wounded animal lashing out. So, when we consciously utilize yoga breathing to heal, we heal these hidden wounds in this way, breathing practices can change our life because it changes our behavior, and that affects all of our relationships.

Asana
Practice your asanas (postures) with focus on your breath. Breathe into your heart center, breathe in light – filling the lungs completely, breathe out the past, that which you no longer need. If you have a spiritual practice, use your own visual image of God or name for God. Inhale as if you were inhaling the energy of God; exhale all that is not useful. Breathe into your entire body while in a posture, as you move, or as you hold in stillness.

When you begin to feel overwhelmed or fatigued, rather than push, rest a few moments. (Even machines need to rest.) Allow yourself to move into child’s pose at least four times in an hour and half practice. Learn the difference between an all-out state and a rest state. Many overachievers know only the concept of “all or nothing.” Explore the space between zero and ten. Try practicing at level seven, not ten. This will develop sensitivity, patience, and kindness.

Move your focus off your outer body and on to your inner body.
So, to really change how we practice, we need to first stop comparing and competing with ourselves and others, and start moving beyond thoughts of how our body looks. Many of us believe that if we were just a little more thin, a little more beautiful or handsome, our problems would be over.

Unfortunately, when we become obsessed and goal oriented with our appearance, we trade in one set of problems for another. We may “achieve” our physical goals but move even further away from joy and contentment. The obsessive drive seems to be getting us everything we want except happiness, and this is perhaps why two of the largest selling drugs in America are anti-depressants and anti-ulcer drugs.
One of the magical gifts of yoga is that whatever you apply yourself to and improve on in your practice, will be applicable to the outside world as well. So, as you learn to focus your mind in yoga – your focus will improve at work. As you become more patient with yourself and others in yoga, you will be more patient at home. As you become more joyful in yoga, you will be more joyful wherever you go. Imagine becoming a better person, and getting a healthier body as a side effect.

Remember, if mastering yoga postures were enough to transform us into spiritual masters, then people would be flocking to the athletes in Cirque Du Soleil to seek spiritual advice. The physical asanas alone do not necessarily make us happier, more spiritual, or more content human beings. But when one is inspired by an intent to transform, and from this intention we breathe, then the mind quiets and the energetic heart center begins to open. When this happens, grace happens - change happens. The yoga postures and breath are tools to rebuild ourselves. The goal is not to ties ourselves in knots - we’re clearly already tied in knots. The aim is to untie the knots in our heart. The aim is to unite with the ultimate, loving, and peaceful power in the universe.

Namaste,
Cassie

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Read All About It!

I don’t watch the news on television; I prefer reading it. I actually prefer holding the newspaper in my hands, curling up in a comfy chair, and drinking my coffee while reading…but that isn’t exactly the most practical activity during the work week. Inasmuch, I settle for an actual newspaper on the weekend and the online version during the week. Tuesday morning of this week, as I perused the Most Emailed section NYTimes.com, I found the most popular articles quite interesting.

Who would have ever thought that “Eat Less” would be the most earth-shattering recommendation the US Government has ever made with respect to the American diet. I think I actually asked “seriously?” out loud at my desk. You may be asking yourself (as I was) why it is that this is such a big deal. According to the New York Times, “While the recommendations may seem obvious, it is nonetheless considered major progress for federal regulators, who have long skirted the issue, wary of the powerful food lobby.”

After reading about the revolutionary work my tax dollars are funding, I was more than a little frustrated. Fortunately, the next item I opened provided a little solace. According to this blog, “researchers report that those who meditated for about 30 minutes a day for eight weeks had measurable changes in gray-matter density in parts of the brain associated with memory, sense of self, empathy and stress.” My husband, co-workers, and friends have many times commented about what a different person I am when I am devoted to my yoga practice. I have fallen a bit off the wagon recently, but I now have inspiration to re-devote my time and energy to practicing regularly. Combine this information with the recommendation for meditation in The Joy Diet and I would think something was seriously wrong with me if I didn’t feel compelled to begin meditating again.

I was suddenly feeling incredibly rejuvenated as a result of the promise of improved memory, sense of self, empathy and stress. The next item I skimmed revived my hope for humanity: Bush’s Daughter, in a Break, Endorses Gay Marriage. I do not intend to tackle this issue here, but I will say that I agree that this issue is “a matter of conscience and equality” and as Barbara Bush stated, “everyone should have the right to marry the person that they love.”

Finally, a little hope for our planet (and maybe our government as well). Fracking is a process of hydraulic fracturing used to extract oil and gas. It has long been opposed by many, but it seems that it is finally getting the attention of the federal government. “’We learned that no oil and gas service companies have sought — and no state and federal regulators have issued — permits for diesel fuel use in hydraulic fracturing,’ said Representative Henry A. Waxman of California.” It is then explained by the oil and gas companies how it really wasn’t their fault at all: “Oil and gas companies acknowledged using diesel fuel in their fracking fluids, but they rejected the House Democrats’ assertion that it was illegal. They said that the E.P.A. had never properly developed rules and procedures to regulate the use of diesel in fracking, despite a clear grant of authority from Congress over the issue.” It is disheartening that industries will take advantage in any way possible even if it means destroying water supplies for entire communities. I visited Waxman’s office in DC almost 7 years ago and was very impressed with his initiatives and the competency of his staff; I can only hope that his voice will be heard and that this issue will finally get the attention it deserves.

In other news: Confessions Update

*I still haven’t finished (or even touched) the half-re-upholstered chair. Maybe this weekend…

*Last week I made major progress on one of our biggest renovation projects, the stairs. We are not quite finished, but I’m a step (actually 17 steps) closer to not having our renovation as an excuse. Plus, we actually did a really thorough job of cleaning most of the house!


*Still working on the hair washing thing…I have only worn a pony tail one day this week. This is a pretty good indication that things are improving!


*I cut all of my fingernails off and am getting a manicure this weekend. It’s the best solution I’ve identified. Progress!
I think I’m going to be taking a major step in the direction of “what I do when I grow up” soon. Stay tuned!


*I’m making an effort to challenge myself in situations where I don’t know what to do, I do know what to do but don’t want to, and everything in between. This results in existing in a significantly uncomfortable state a lot of the time. I hope it is actually worth it.


*I still haven’t run, at all. I’m not sure it is going to happen anytime soon.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Joy Diet & ALL EYES

I am reading Martha Beck's The Joy Diet again. The timing is great because my friend just began ALL EYES: an experiment in self-improvement. A theme of self-awareness and honesty seems to be developing in my life. The Joy Diet encourages stepping outside of your comfort zone, conquering fears, and identifying your desires; ALL EYES is centered around confessions about areas of your life you want to improve. I have found that both have encouraged me to be more self-aware and brutally honest with and about myself.

I thought I would share my confessions from ALL EYES here and update as I address them. I think this will follow very closely with my progression through The Joy Diet. Here they are...shameful, disgusting, and somewhat ridiculous:
  • I have a half-re-upholstered chair in my garage that I started 2 years ago.


  • I use "we're doing a major renovation" as an excuse for always having a messy house.


  • I consider washing my hair every other day a serious victory.


  • I bite my fingernails.


  • I have no idea what I want to do "when I grow up."


  • Sometimes I pretend not to know how to do things just so I won't have to.


  • I talk about how much I love running all the time, but I haven't run more than 2 miles in months.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Good Morning!

I forgot to set my alarm for this morning. Never fear, I have a back-up... an overweight, needy, and demanding black cat. He INSISTS on being fed no later than 6am every morning (and 5pm and 10pm every evening). This isn't a new thing; he's been doing it for years. Yet, every time I try to sleep in I find myself trying to "hide" from him. In my sleepy state thinking that if I am really quiet he'll give up; as though he understands the concept of "mommy's sleeping." He's adorable and I'm a sucker for it. So, thank you Nicholas for waking me up at 5:38 this morning to make sure I got my day started on time.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot

~Charlie Chaplin

Recently, I have been in the middle of some of the most ridiculous situations. Some very preventable and some just the luck of the draw. It's times like these that remind me why my friend Jeanne and I began declaring that we "suck at life." Although, I sometimes think that more than actually "sucking at life" we are just fortunate enough to be members of a very select group that attracts chaos. No complaints...when you attract chaos, life is always interesting.

For instance, in the last week I somehow developed both a viral and bacterial infection and had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic that did unmentionable things to my stomach while causing me to break out in hives; it snowed record amounts in Nashville; we had crazy deadlines at work; and UAB NAS asked me to be the featured Minute with a Member for January.

Fortunately, Eric has been a superstar taking care of me while I have been sick; the snow has been interesting; we met our deadlines; and the UAB thing is kinda fun.

Even when considering the positive aspects of a chaotic life, I've often aspired to be one of those individuals who can weather any storm; someone who can emerge from the most horrific situation appearing as though they just returned from a spa weekend.

However, I am not one of those individuals, regardless of any efforts I exert to the contrary, I will always appear as though I am in the middle of a category five tornado at the first sign of trouble.

It's who I am.

It's how I handle things.

I wouldn't be me if that changed.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

It might be instamatic flu

I've been sick for almost a week now. It is absolutely no fun whatsoever. Eric has done his best to entertain and comfort me - he came home with three kinds of ice cream last night to help my soar throat. Slowing down this long is an extremely difficult task for me. Even sick, I attempt to do things around the house; however, I tire quickly and end up back on the couch under my favorite quilt with a glass of Sprite.

Every time I get sick, I think of the Shel Silverstein poem Sick. My favorite part is "My leg is cut-my eyes are blue-It might be instamatic flu." I was the kid in the library in elementary school who wanted to know if instamatic flu was a real illness. I wish I were faking like little Peggy Ann McKay; unfortunately, I'm really sick.

I guess, until I can return to my usual schedule, I'll continue camping out on the couch, making lists of tasks that need to be performed, and catching up on daytime tv.


"Sick" By Shel Silverstein

'I cannot go to school today,'
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
'I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut-my eyes are blue-
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke-
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is-what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is...Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play! '

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Lucky to have been where I have been

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you...
I turned 30 on December 3. The week of my birthday, I ate cupcakes for breakfast 4 days and worked 60 hours. That is not how I want to live my life.

Lucky to be coming home again...
Identifying how I don't want to live my life led to thinking a lot about how I became who I am today and the people that have influenced me.

In third grade in Mrs. Strickland's advanced math class, we had begun long division. I was sitting in the doctor's office with my mom and grandfather one afternoon working on my homework when my grandaddy looked at me and said "it looks like you like that." He was correct, I did. The next thing he said was "you should be an engineer." I didn't know what an engineer was at that point in my life, but because my grandaddy said I should be one and my grandaddy was my favorite person on this planet, I was determined I would be one.

Fast forward nine years to a conversation with my favorite teacher, Mrs. Tekulve. I spent a lot of time at that point in my life in a dead panic about being the best; being #1 on the math team, getting the best scholarships, and knowing exactly where my life was going. As I am rambling on and on one day about "what if this...what if that" she looked at me at said "who cares, Hef, you will be okay regardless." Why she called me Hef is another story entirely, but that I would be okay was something I needed to hear right then more than anything else.

Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed...
Around 17 or 18 I really started questioning a lot of things. I had most certainly "tested" boundaries before then, but I'm not sure I ever really put a lot of thought into why I believed the things I did and what the basis for my decisions were. I babysat 3 adorable children all through high school and late one night when I was staying with them I had a really interesting conversation with their mom. Today, I can't remember what started the conversation, but I will never forget what she told me: "your parents aren't always right." That seems so obvious today; no one is always right. However, at that time in my life, hearing someone say that was revolutionary.

Five years later, after I had finished undergrad and gotten married, I was having lunch with my friend Jennifer. I was at Georgia Tech at the time and interacting with some of the most liberal individuals I had ever encountered. I liked a lot of what I was hearing, but a lot of it was very different from what had been ingrained in me growing up in a small southern town. I remember sitting across from Jennifer in her living room and saying "how the hell do I figure out what I believe?" She looked at me and very directly said, "well, you just have to decide what basic principles are important to you and go from there." We had a long conversation about politics, religion, morality, and every other topic you can imagine. To this day I frequently go back to that conversation when I am conflicted about something.

You make it easier when life gets hard...
I am sure there are many more, but these are the ones that stand out in my mind most frequently. When I think about my career, when I question my beliefs, and when I need confidence in my decisions these are the conversations I remember.

I am grateful for these people, for their influence. I am grateful for the amazing people that are in my life today; for those who remind me where I came from and for those that challenge me to continue to where I am going.

Lucky to be in love with my best friend...
This year, I am determined, is going to be the best one yet. I am determined to leave the drama of 2010 behind and to have a calmer, less stressful year. I am fortunate to be in love with my very best friend, to be surrounded by incredible friends, and to have a loving family. With all of the good in my life, I can't imagine not having a good year.


Happy New Year!!


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sweet November

Recently, I have begun several posts that I never published. This post captures what has been on my mind this month.

In early November, I was…

Finding the courage of conviction


There has been so much going on lately; it has been fun, exciting, and exceptionally difficult at times. With all that has happened, I have been thinking a lot about convictions. How do I define conviction? Do I have any? Can you be convicted and not be a zealot? Why would acting on your convictions require courage?

I have come to the conclusion that, if you are truly convicted of something, courage in action is not required. In contrast, I believe that action in the midst of confusion requires courage - not knowing how you feel and finding the strength to move forward anyway; making a decision that is not necessarily on the path of least resistance.

There was a time in my life when I could not identify my convictions. Even now, I question if conviction is the appropriate term for the strong opinions I possess. The confusion from this uncertainty gives rise to fear and doubt. Overcoming these fears is difficult as I am fundamentally opposed to becoming a zealot and do not feel that I am experienced or educated to a level that would allow me to embrace a true conviction on most topics.


A little later in the month I reflected on motivation:

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. ~ Epicurus


Has anyone ever told you that there is no selfless act? One of my friends regularly says it to me and for the longest time I thought it was a seriously fatuous notion. However, I have come to realize that there may be some truth in this statement. I find that the more cognizant I am of my actions and the reasons for those actions, the more I realize that most actions, at some level, are motivated by a desired response and inasmuch are in no way selfless. I have challenged myself, and others, to name an act that is selfless and have yet to find one that lacks selfish motivation (try it!). While I have been unable to identify an act that is entirely selfless, I have recognized that there can be an extreme amount of good in even selfishly motivated acts.

In my life, the selfish motivation more times than not is found in my strong belief in setting goals; I primarily appreciate the challenge in the journey. One would think that this would have positive ramifications in most instances; however, I have recently realized that I often push too hard and fail to value goals achieved. As I have examined this, I have asked myself a number of questions: Is the momentary high immediately following reaching my goal more satisfying than the recognizing past accomplishments? Maybe. Is proving to myself and others that I am capable time and again gratifying? Likely. Is failure an unacceptable outcome? Always.

This series of questions is what brought me back to the Epicurus quote. I realized that while setting and achieving goals is important, until I recognize and appreciate successes, I am never going to find any sort of contentment. I decided that if none of my actions are going to be completely selfless, I want to optimize the positive impact, for both myself and others, from my selfish deeds.


Recently, I decided that I needed some…

New Challenges


I completed my 30 day hot yoga challenge at the end of October. It was a really great experience that not only challenged me physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I found a lot of balance in my practice and have been able to extend that into my life in many ways. I also realized that I am often the most unbalanced just before everything aligns.

It was amazing for me to experience, both physically and emotionally, the extremes associated with this challenge. There were days when I would feel emotionally and mentally drained, but my practice would be physically stronger than I could imagine. There were other days that I stepped onto my mat feeling positive and focused, only to find 15 minutes into my practice that I was frustrated, angry and physically weak. Over the course of the challenge, I left the studio in tears, angry, elated, and sometime simply numb. There were days that I was almost afraid to practice because I did not feel strong enough to deal with the emotions that may come my way.

The most powerful discovery I made was an honest relationship with myself that I had never before experienced. I allowed myself to experience weakness that I had previously denied; I let go of a lot of judgment that I had held for longer than I can remember. I forgave myself for things as small as my 2:30 chocolate habit to things I consider unspeakable.

Finding alignment…

When I first heard this during my practice, I thought it was strictly physical. As you tweak your postures to find better alignment, your balance suffers. As you continue to practice with better alignment, your balance will return to its previous level or even improve. What I found during the challenge was that this alignment also extended to the emotional and mental aspects of my practice. I lost my focus or balance, if you will, in many instances: when my friend died, when I experienced conflict, when I became overwhelmed, when I was just tired, hurt or frustrated. However, as I worked through those imbalances, I found great strength…alignment.

These new realizations in no way mean that I am completely centered, calm, and focused. In many ways, it is just the opposite. Once I embraced some of these experiences, I had to determine how to work through the emotions associated with them. This has been one of the most fulfilling, yet most challenging years of my life and it all seemed to rise to the surface as I spent more time on my mat. I am grateful for these experiences and I am grateful for the people who have been, and will continue to be, with me through this challenge.

I am starting another 30 days and am also starting to train for two races in the spring. I am uncertain where these new challenges will take me, but I am anxious for the journey.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Hot Yoga: 30 Day Challenge

This week was rough. As I previously mentioned that I lost a colleague in a horrific accident last Saturday. In addition to this, last Thursday Eric was asked to return to Iraq for a couple of weeks. Two weeks is nothing compared to what we have endured previously, but it is still difficult. Needless to say, by Sunday I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. At that point, I turned to the only thing that has helped me focus during the chaos of the last year: Hot Yoga. By Thursday, I found myself committed to the 30 Day Challenge.

The 30 Day Challenge involves completing 30 classes in 30 days. I have heard about a number of people completing the challenge, but I never really thought I would try it. Every time I even thought about it, I had a long list of excuses for why I didn't have the time. I am not sure what came over me, but I signed up and now I'm going to do my best to succeed. Tomorrow is the first day I am going to attempt two classes in a single day; I hope I survive!!

I am going to attempt to write about my experience and how I am feeling. Thus far, I am primarily feeling really tired and sore. However, I have experienced a few really emotional classes, especially in the beginning of the week. My reactions after classes have ranged anywhere from euphoric to angry since I began practicing almost a year ago. I am curious if my reactions will become more consistent with regular practice or if they will become more extreme.

I am looking forward to the journey that attempting this challenge will take me on. When Eric returns I hope to be at least 21 classes into the challenge; I am interested in what changes he sees in me as a result.

Day 4: A Season of Gratefulness


Today I am grateful for…

1. Free Will. I regularly have to remind myself that the place I occupy, is exactly where I chose. This is easy when things are going well; however, when a situation is less that optimal, it’s a little more difficult to take credit for landing myself there. The good part about even the not-so-great times is that I have the option of choosing to move past that moment. Knowing that, while I cannot control anyone else, I can control my reactions to them and my interactions with them empowers me.

2. Freshly Painted Walls. I love cleanliness and order. Nothing appears cleaner or more orderly than a freshly painted room. All of the lines are neat, there is no dust on the baseboards or cobwebs in the corners. All of the random scuffs and nail holes are absent. Each time I finish painting a room and take a moment to examine the final product, for a brief moment I can understand minimalism. I then recall how much I love to be surrounded by books and pictures and stationary; my minimalist dreams flee.

3. Redemption. Restoration to a better condition. So frequently I feel like I need to be a better version of myself and, fortunately, this is always a possibility. How lost and hopeless would humanity be if redemption ceased to exist?

4. Philosophy Strawberry Milkshake. The best body wash EVER! This is what the end of a bad day and the beginning of a better evening smells like to me. It smells so amazing and it feels just as good; if it’s been a truly horrific day, I use it in my hair as well. Sometimes, the small things make the biggest difference.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Day 3: A Season of Gratefulness

Today I am grateful for...

1. Fresh Flowers. Nothing brings a smile to my face quicker than fresh flowers on my kitchen table. Some people think they are a waste of money, but the pure joy I get out of them makes it worth it to me. Peonies and tulips are my favorite, but anything will do. I wish I made the time to garden more so that I could provide my own, but until that time I will settle for the $6.99 variety from Whole Foods.

2. Ice Cream. I love ice cream. Not as much as I love coffee, but it is a close second. I’m fairly certain that my love affair with ice cream began about 6 weeks into my life when my granddaddy decided that sharing his with me was a good idea (I think mom is still mad about this). Some of my fondest memories involve ice cream…eating it with a wooden spoon at granddaddy’s grocery store when I was little, after neighborhood softball games with my best friends, and sitting by the pool on summer afternoons, to name a few. I’ll never forget the first gelato I had in a park in Rome, the strawberry milkshake I ordered the one time Eric and I broke up, or the mint chocolate chip and vodka concoction Astyn and I made regularly in high school.

3. Advanced Communication Technology. Sometimes being constantly connected seems like such a huge burden; however, when I think of all of the positive aspects, the magnitude of the apparent burden lessens considerably. Man by nature is a social being and communication advancements promote a greater social connection. Through Skype, I am able to stay in touch with Eric when he is literally half way around the world almost as easily as I can when he is just across town. There are so many people that I may have never spoken to or seen again had it not been for Facebook. Moreover, the support network you are able to establish in difficult times that is unbelievable.

4. Puppy Kisses. Is it even necessary to explain this one? I am convinced that, as crazy as they make me, my pets are a little bit of heaven temporarily located in my living room. They sense my moods better than any person and they are always quick to comfort me. Every morning Macie is waiting at the bottom of the stairs wagging her entire body when I get up and the first thing she does is lick me anywhere she can. Bryant is a little lazier in the mornings, but eventually he makes it around to planting is cold, wet nose on my leg to say good morning. It is absolutely impossible to be around them and be in a bad mood.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough, but I am fortunate to be surrounded by people who love me. It is good to be reminded of things that make me happy; I am very blessed and intend to continue reminding myself of it on a daily basis. What are you grateful for?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. ~Henry David Thoreau

Dear friends,

I have a very serious, yet simple, request of you tonight: respect your life and the lives of others. Today, a friend, mentor, and colleague of mine tragically had his life ended by the carelessness of an individual driving under the influence of alcohol. I cannot properly express the shock and horror I experienced upon learning of this; I cannot imagine the pain his family must be experiencing.

It is at times like this that I want to gather my loved ones, keep them comfortably within my reach, and protect them from harm. I realize that is not a possibility. I also realize that I am the individual that regularly advocates living every moment to the fullest and not allowing fear to dictate action. Tonight, although it is on very shaky legs, I stand by these convictions.

Tonight, I make you this promise: I will value my life and yours. I will be the designated driver, call you a cab, or let you crash at my house. I will be the person to tell you that you've had too much and take your keys, regardless of how angry you become. I will do everything in my power to prevent you from injuring yourself or someone else.

I choose to do all of these things because I care about you.

You are my family.

You are my friend.

You are my colleague.

You are my classmate.

I value you and I know that every person is someones family, friend, colleague, or classmate.





Thursday, September 23, 2010

Day 2: A Season of Gratefulness

Today, I am grateful for…
  1. Free time. I am beyond excited to have two entire days that are not scheduled this week. No conference calls, no meetings, no deadlines. I can work or sleep or organize or bake or anything else that I feel like. Just the anticipation of free time makes me feel like I can take a really deep breath for the first time in a long time…I am so excited that I’m almost giddy.
  2. Good health. I’ve abused my body as much or more than most, but I’ve also always adhered to the philosophy that Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out. However, as a result of witnessing so much heartache lately because of sick babies and lost loved ones, I have become acutely aware of how fragile our bodies can be. Inasmuch, I am thankful that, despite all of the madness I’ve partaken in, I am alive and well today and I intend to take full advantage of it because I have no idea what is in store for me tomorrow.
  3. Rainy Days. Rainy days, for some reason, seem to me to be more peaceful than most. It is amazing to wake up to bright sunshine most of the time, but sometimes feeling like you just don’t have to be fully awake and can snuggle back into the covers is a really good thing. Today is going to be a cloudy, rainy, stormy fall day and I couldn’t be more excited about it!
  4. Sharing meals with friends. A sense of community is something we all need; there is no better way to achieve this that to share a meal with friends. Moreover, how much better does it get than good food and good company? ! I am so very blessed to have good friends that also happen to be very good cooks! However, even if it isn’t some elaborate meal, maybe just coffee or ice cream or whatever, I get an unbelievable recharge from just taking a moment, having a conversation, and enjoying something tasty.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Day 1: A Season of Gratefulness

Today is the Autumnal Equinox. Inasmuch, I decided to make this fall A Season of Gratefulness.
I thought I should set some sort of parameters for my daily lists; this is what I came up with…
  • Every day from now until winter solstice, I will make a list of no fewer than 4 reasons that I should be, and hopefully am, grateful.
  • No single reason can be repeated in a week.
  • No complete list can ever be repeated

Are you ready? This will quite possibly be so insanely positive you won’t be able to stand it!

Today I am grateful for…

  1. Cooler weather. Not only is it a nice reprieve from the gross hot summer in Nashville and the beginning of what I fondly refer to as eating season, but also because it means football, brightly colored fall leaves, and some of my favorite holidays including Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19), Halloween, and my birthday (yes, I consider it a holiday!!).

  2. Coffee. It is going to be hard not to repeat this one in a week. Coffee may be my single greatest joy on the planet and is so, so, so simple! AND since it is fall again, the Pumpkin Spice Latte will make a comeback very soon.

  3. Curiosity. There are days that I have zero willpower, zero respect for the academic process, zero sense of obligation, and zero direction, but I continue for no other reason than I just want to know what will happen if. Sometimes the if is nonsensical and sometimes it steers me to exactly the right spot. Whichever it is, at least curiosity keeps me going when nothing else does.

  4. Compassion. Because sometimes we all just feel blah. I’ve felt that way a lot lately and if I didn’t have compassion from others, it would have been a lot worse. The two parts of compassion are sympathy and the desire to alleviate pain. The latter, in my opinion, has the greatest impact. Sympathy is easy, we can all recognize when something really sucks, but to care enough to try to lessen another’s pain is truly an act of love. I am blessed beyond anything I ever could have imagined to have compassionate friends and my hope is that I make every effort to be compassionate toward others.

Ok, so there it is…Day 1of A Season of Gratefulness. Somehow, I landed on a C theme today, not intentional but whatever, I’ll go with it for the moment.


What are you grateful for??



Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My Model

I have been spending the majority of my free time working on my model lately. My model, as I regularly refer to it, is a laterally averaged finite difference model that simulates the hydrothermal performance of approximately 300 miles of the Cumberland and Tennessee Rivers. FASCINATING, I know. It is not really my model at all, it was developed by USACE and is a project I am completing for another pseudo-government agency; however I've spent enough hours customizing this one that I will continue to refer to it as my model indefinitely.
While I consider myself a relatively sane person most of the time; I believe that spending so much time with my model may have secured a ticket for me on the Acela to crazy town. Please allow me to explain...

The model I am using in the published and supported format has a very nice graphical user interface (GUI - "gooey"); however, the project I am working on required modifications to the source code (FORTRAN...yay!) that were not compatible with the GUI. SO...the executable now appears as a DOS window and requires basic knowledge of command line (yay! again). As if the little black window and antiquated code weren't enough, there are no fewer than 20 input files with thousands of data points in F8 format. My worst nightmare lately is a stray comma...last week a ":" that appeared in place of a "." cost me no less than 45 minutes.

SO...why do I believe the product of gooey punctuation and the brainchildren of Backus and Paterson is causing my mental demise? I regularly find myself staring at the DOS window as it scrolled through a year in 55 second increments and attempting to will it to produce better results. I also made an argument to a coworker today as to why the only thing more useful than calculus is differential equations. If you happen to see me roaming Vanderbilt's campus with a cup of coffee in one hand, grungy t-shirt, and tattered jeans...no worries, that's just how I role lately. However, if for any reason, I seem to suddenly FORTRAN, DOS, and GUIs...seek help immediately for I have surely gone from a little nerdy to completely insane.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Change

Recently there has been a lot of change in my life. Some amazing and some a little more difficult to deal with. As I attempt to navigate what has proven to be a very complicated path, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I have dealt with change in the past and what I have learned. At times, it seems that I have not learned much at all; poor decisions and a quick temper have been catalysts both past and present and have certainly delivered the most severe blows to those I care about. However, the things that have stuck with me are just as poignant. I am quicker to offer apologies now and quicker to forgive; I tend to embrace the good much stronger and more willingly; I have realized that the more you hurt, the more you cared to begin with; and I have accepted that no matter how perfect something seems, it will change.

Eric is home and that is such a happy change. I am adjusting to sharing day-to-day life and enjoying creating a new routine with him. The dynamic of our home has changed to a more lively, happy place. Even our animals are more feisty and playful.

My niece, Lindley, arrives in October and the change that will bring is incomprehensible to me at the moment. I am excited and nervous...I'm just the aunt, I can only imagine what it must be like to be an expectant parent.

There is so much that is changing in my life right now that radiates joy and anticipation. However, it is somewhat tainted by change brought about by conflict and hurt feelings. Change that is rooted in poor decisions and quick tempers. I made mistakes; others made mistakes; as a result, there are likely friendships damaged beyond repair and trust lost indefinitely. Many questions have consumed my thoughts lately...is it possible to get past this? how will this change who I am? what is the new normal? what is the lesson in this situation? forgiveness will come, but can any of this ever be forgotten? Forgiveness will come and with it will come a happier variety of change.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Gold Star Qualities


There have been four very distinct phases of this trip since escaping the hell that was Royal Jordanian daycare. First, there was the extreme jetlag that, try as I may, kept me in bed until at least noon the first two days of my trip. Next, utter intimidation. I did not know how to dress, what to say, how to greet people, or even how to carry myself in public. This level of intimidation was overwhelming and frustrating, but was quickly followed by fascination. By being so completely intimidated, I devoted much more attention to the mannerisms of the locals. I was fascinated with the unspoken communication and what appears to be a clash of traditional and modern in every facet of daily life. Now, however, I have reached a fourth phase...extreme boredom.

While intimidation and fascination have infiltrated this phase, they just don't have what it takes to occupy the 16ish hours that I now manage to escape the comatose sleep state that seems to have become my norm lately. In preparation for a little down time and in keeping with my "read nothing that could potentially resemble educational material on vacation" rule, I purchased Chelsea Handler's Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang prior to our trip. I must say that if irreverent, sarcastic, smart, and absolutely hilarious pique your interest, then you must read this (disclaimer: there is a lot of inappropriateness, so if you are easily offended it's probably not the best choice). Honestly, I expected that between Chelsea and the GQ magazine I stole from some guy in first class on our flight I would not have to worry about further entertainment. After all, I do have half a dozen unfinished books on my nightstand right now and I believe it impossible to account for all of the others I have purchased, read 300 of the 350 pages, and then tossed aside because I was annoyed by one of the characters, became preoccupied with something else, or simply just misplaced the book. Not exactly a gold star quality of mine, but it is what it is. I did, however, finish Chelsea yesterday morning while drinking coffee on the balcony. In the process, I roasted my legs to an unpleasant well-done and served as a feast for every insect within a 5km radius.

The non-comatose time that I have spent not being cooked and served while reading Chelsea, I have dedicated to practicing the 26 postures of Bikram yoga. Why I chose to do this, I'm not really sure. I enjoy hot yoga, but I have never been inclined to do a lot of practicing of anything (just ask my mom about ballet, piano, gymnastics, clarinet, softball, tennis, soccer or any of my other endeavors as a child). On a positive note, I can now stand on one foot while holding the ball of the other foot in my interlocked hands and extending that leg straight in front of me...Dandayamana Janushirasana. I'm considering adding this on my resume under "other skills" with all of the randomness I've included in an attempt to appear well-rounded.

This extreme boredom has led to a number of other interesting activities. I've taken account of all of the people/things with which I am truly enamored. It is a short list including only coffee, chocolate, ice cream (in either of the aforementioned flavors plus strawberry and caramel), Chelsea, little people, Bobby Flay, Ben Olsen, good wine and good vodka. I am thankful that it is short, too many obsessions would require too much of my time and I already have a lot on my plate. I also made an attempt at taking account of all of the excess I would like to eliminate from my life...this list is much longer and a work in progress, so I've elected not to share it at this time.

Tomorrow we depart for Dead Sea. I am hoping that since he will be somewhat away from work, I can drag Eric down to my level of uselessness; I think it would be funny in a tying-a-string-to-a-June-bug's-leg kind of way (did anyone else do that?).

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Colors of Amman

Any direction you look in Amman, two colors are prominent: green and brown. The homes, the travertine earth, and the wild grasses all contribute to Amman's brown backdrop; shades vary from almost a creamy white to a deep chocolaty orange. The green, mostly from olive and palm tree-lined streets and gardens, is less varied but much more vibrant. In the short time I have been here, I have learned that green is very important to the people of Amman. Though they are small, each house has a meticulously-kept garden and when an Iraqi ex-patriot built a home with no garden in our neighborhood, it was considered an extreme offense.
Yesterday, we experienced another form of green in Jordan at Wild Jordan. Wild Jordan is the only location I've seen in Jordan that prohibits smoking. It is also sustainably designed, the only place that I have noticed promoting recycling, and sells local products. We had lunch at the Wild Jordan Cafe and enjoyed the views of the Old City and the Roman Ruins from the patio.
Today, we experienced a very different shade of brown in Amman. This morning we were greeted with slightly cooler temperatures and strong breezes. It seemed a pleasant reprieve from the previous days' heat until I realized that we were in the midst of a dust storm. The cloud that covered the city was thick and left a film on my skin and hair as I sat outside the neighborhood falafel stop at lunch.
While a little more of the Wild Jordan variety of green and a little less of the dust storm's shade of brown would be nice, as is apparent by the prominence of these colors in the city flag, greens and browns define Amman.